It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Banana is the quietest snack
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!