It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*Seductively hides in the woods
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?