@MikeLonghelt

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.

- @MikeLonghelt

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Me: Yes, officer.

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Me: 2005

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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

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Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

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@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

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Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

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@donni

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That’s a pretty dubious clam

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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

@GrantTanaka

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@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
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