“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.