It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
i made a craigslist ad !
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.