It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”


Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.


9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.


The virtual cashier at Wegmans is too loud. “… move your.. MOIST WIPES.. to the bagging area”. Shut. Up.


*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*


Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat


Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.


Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.