@sarcasticmommy4

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

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@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@jonnysun

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

@SteveKoehler22

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@Angibangie

6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that