“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The virtual cashier at Wegmans is too loud. “… move your.. MOIST WIPES.. to the bagging area”. Shut. Up.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it
Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Lassie, get help!
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Sorry were you talking shit about New York