Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?
– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that