It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it鈥檚 dis-gusting
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
her: so we could have sex
me: 馃檨
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 馃檪
her: [sigh] i鈥檒l get the katanas
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
sigh
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn鈥檛 take off last night
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[god making cheetahs]
Let鈥檚 just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first