It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”