It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency


Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.


Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”


Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.


Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.


*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-


When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now


my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old