Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.