It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
watergate? u mean a dam??
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.