It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge


Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.


It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.


Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.


For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.


Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!