It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings