It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes