It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
God has left this place
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.