It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal