@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

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@TheSuccuBish

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@MariasWestSide

Good men aren’t hard to find.. if anything they’re just hard to stuff in your trunk

-true story

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

@BoogTweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?