It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.