It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.