@WilliamAder: It's not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with "Woke up this morning..."
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@extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
@mommajessiec: Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects. Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic? WIFE: Your crocs are melting.