It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me and who
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time