It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Van Gone
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media