Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.