“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
scrabbled eggs
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*