It’s not a crime of arson so much as it’s a crime of passion but okay, judgy fire investigator guy

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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”


Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”


DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage


The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.


Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.


priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]


Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …