@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

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@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@PatsATweetin

Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?

@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

@SufficientCharm

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

@InigoUnleashed

Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@trevso_electric

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”