It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

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Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.


Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?


Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.


Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.


The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.


Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!


Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.


Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.


My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”