-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*
2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*
When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome