@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

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@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@UnFitz

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

@professorkiosk

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome