It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.