It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
pelicons