I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?