It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

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DOCTOR: “A-tisket a-tasket, you’re gonna need a casket.”
WIFE: “What?”
DR: “Your husband’s knee surgery did not go well AT ALL.”


Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips


Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.


Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.


I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.


4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there


The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.


Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.