@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

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@MUMSIEesq

[HOSPITAL]
DOCTOR: “A-tisket a-tasket, you’re gonna need a casket.”
WIFE: “What?”
DR: “Your husband’s knee surgery did not go well AT ALL.”

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@Oshungurl

Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.

@badbanana

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.

@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

@wife_housy

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.