It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.