It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
#Caturday
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape