“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
They grow up so quick
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*