It’s not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you’ve missed your exit by 37 states.

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News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.


My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark


[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*


Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*


Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.


Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.


Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”


From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.


Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*


Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*