@cheeky__gal

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

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@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@MariyaAlexander

Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

@Spaziotwat

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

@mommajessiec

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:

Me: *looks at phone*

Husband: What are you up to?

@PinkCamoTO

Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
H:
M:
H:
M: Is that not how it works?