Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: *looks at phone*
Husband: What are you up to?
Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
M: Is that not how it works?