“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
#milo
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.