It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
podcasts
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
our love story in four pictures
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲