Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.
I call bullshit.
After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed
Mosh pit is just goth wrestling.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.