@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

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@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@Gupton68

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

@TitansHomer

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.