It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*checks Timeline*…
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
God has left this place
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
my fav colour is also hitler