@knittingninja00

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

You Might Also Like

@CorkyCrash

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

@AnkCoupleTO

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

@JosesLovesYou

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*