11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”
*another coffin slowly rises behind him*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb