it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course