it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target