My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes