@Bipartisanism
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
@KizerBillhelm
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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@Bipartisanism
@FannyB1tch
I also do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
@AimeeHelene1
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
@MoneypennyNaked
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
@squirrel74wkgn
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
@NotARatsAss
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
@packageoflies
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
@Robert_Beau
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
@Eightinchgoat
Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.
@dadsrpeopletoo
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.