How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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I also do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.