It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sign of the day..
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY