It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I only treason on days ending in y
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
SCARY COSTUME
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground