@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

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@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@PJTLynch

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@Lovestained555

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

@pinupteacher

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@Steven37366100

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@clebdotcom

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

@CornOnTheGoblin

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”