It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine


Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?


Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.


My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.


Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance


[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”