@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

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@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

@A_single_bear

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

@mutedclamor

Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.

@celestinelea90

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@TheBoydP

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*