Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*