It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*