If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!