It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed