It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

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*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!


Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids


Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.


The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.


I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.


I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.


“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!


*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness


origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe


These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?