@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

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@weenbeans

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

@thefishpants

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

@jctwritesstuff

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

@mommajessiec

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

@krisv_723

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

@WheelTod

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe

@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?