@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

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@MarfSalvador

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

@ADHDeanASL

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

@juliadavidovich

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

@kacisuewho

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver