It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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それは草
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.