It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED


date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter


that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans


CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.


My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.


Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.


The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone


Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver