It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”