4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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You say “frienemy” I say “opposable chums”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
a nigga called me prolific and i wanted to fight until i googled it
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.