I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You Might Also Like
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
OH COME ON