It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

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4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”


A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?


Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”


a nigga called me prolific and i wanted to fight until i googled it


I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.


when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man


Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.


It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.