@iwearaonesie

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

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@sarcasticmommy4

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@RxitWounds

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

@EndhooS

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

@mattZillaaaa

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

@dril

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

@LittleMissAngr1

Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.