It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.