People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist