@six_2_and_even

It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas

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@kiiimdaaa

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@DrunksWithGuns

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

@murrman5

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

@SortaBad

Ok No Loitering sign, let’s get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.