It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that