It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

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[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free


What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.


dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months


So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?


This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.


I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.


Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.


Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce


[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.


Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors