It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
hmm conte-me mais
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”