It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*


People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is


My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.


my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.


It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.


She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?


My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.


Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.


Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles