@Ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

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@Barack_and_Joe

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@moodymeg01

my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.

@KalvinMacleod

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?

@McCPeggy

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.

@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles