It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you