It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Pringles
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
It’s an epidemic…
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.