It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You Might Also Like
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are