Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
no such thing as a dumb question
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂